Curses in the Blessings

Dear Kiddos,

I swear that after I wrote the last post you two teamed up, escaped out of your rooms during the night, logged on to the internet and read my post.  Out of the kindness of your heart you both filled to the brim and then overflowed the last two days with all the blessings I wrote about in the last post.  I drove to church with you two in the car, trying to hold back tears as I tried to figure out what I could do differently so the days go better.  I have to be honest, I have no idea.  

You have done nothing really wrong just being toddlers and infants and needing so, so much of me.  So you are on par developmentally.  Being a mom is really, really exhausting.  As I write this I don't even know just what I want to communicate because I gotta be honest, I still feel a lot exhausted and stressed.

Here is what I do know.  Sunday went like this:  Daddy left for work at 6:30 am.  Sweet Girl woke up at 6:45 am.  Little Man woke up at 6:48 am.  Both ready to go and attack the day.  We had plans to meet your Aunt and Uncle around 8:30.  So I got everyone fed, changed, dressed.  At 8:15 am, Sis lost it.  Total meltdown.  So I fed her and she fell asleep, out cold.  Little Man, you were banging on pots and pans and she slept right through it.  I put Sweet Girl to bed and came out to the kitchen.  Every, EVERY, tupperware container was on the floor and Little Man was standing in the middle of the mess and saying "TA DA!".  Clearly, this mess was some sort of accomplishment that should be praised and admired.  Which I did appropriately, then we picked it up.

At this point Little Man had a total meltdown.  So I put him to bed and he goes out cold.  Right as I sit back down to rest because I am exhausted from hauling a toddler and an infant all over a pumpkin patch the day before, Sweet Girl starts crying.  I get her up, play with her.  Go to the bathroom, come back to find Sweet Girl stuck under the cardboard box airplane Daddy made, crying and crawling around the house trying to find her way out.

The day continued like this all day.  One child up, creating a mess or getting them self stuck somewhere, crying and loosing it, other child gets up and loves the first child too hard, crying and loosing it, one child down for nap, other child creating a mess or getting them self stuck somewhere, over and over and over again for hours.  There was not one point where both of you were asleep or happy at the same time all day.  There were, however, times you were both screaming, crying, pooping, and stuck places at the same time.  

It was a hard, hard, hard day.  

I look back on the past two days and know one thing, I am so beat.  I am not done.  I am not done with being a stay at home mom.  I am not done with being a mom.  I love my life.  I love that I get the privilege of being your momma.  I love that I get to share life with you.

I also know that doing really hard things is part of life.  You don't get through life without having several hard times somewhere along the way.  This is ok.  I want you to know that struggling, preserving, failing, and struggling again is ok to do.  It does not mean that your life sucks or that your are a failure.  It does mean you are human and living life.

 As much as I try to capture picture perfect life in our photos.  I hope you know that there are also struggles in life too.  I also hope you remember your childhood with happy memories and not the really tough days.  I do have to admit selfishly I hope you remember all the days you filled my days with blessings when you grow up.  Maybe some day I'll get a really great Mother's Day gift as a reward for days like yesterday.

I love you so much and as hard as the hard days are I am glad I get to be home with you.

Love your,

Momma