Life Changes

Stories are an interesting thing.  I'm beginning to write again.  And it's really hard not to feel guilty about how I dropped the ball on my writing.  I go back and look at how my writing progressed when I wrote on a regular basis and I'm impressed with me.  As I read my words it feels effortless.  Like somehow I just magically created words that were fitting for the time.  How did I do that? How is it that letters become words and words become sentences and sentences become paragraphs and paragraphs become books?             Words can be pretty magical.                They can dance over pages, bringing to life a new world.               They can also drop like a lead weight into a person's belly completely transforming a mood.               Just the right combination of words can bring l...

It may seem like I am very good at being real.  So much of what I think comes out of my mouth.  I'm pretty raw, unfiltered and unedited, for good or for bad.  But the thing is I really, really like control.  I like my weeks planned out, my days planned out, my meals planned out and I don't like sudden changes of plans.  Then God gave me kids.  I also really like for people to see the side of me I want them to see.  Not the mess.  Then God gave me kids. When Laura called this morning to tell me Jordyn had a fever, my first instinct was to cancel.  It is too cold to be outside, we have no where to go.  Game over.  I love having people in my home, but when Laura called my entire house looked like this.   (It was hoe down day for the toys) Little toys were everywhere.  Choking hazards for crawlers, death traps for new walkers, safe for preschoolers but not for younger kids.  Everything in me screamed, "Cancel! ...

A week and a half ago, I lost someone dear to my heart.  Before she went home to Jesus I had not seen or spoken to her in 5 years, except through facebook. I have to admit I feel very very silly grieving her loss.  I mean, if she was that important to me wouldn't I have kept in touch.  Made more of an effort to let her know she was loved.  She was only in my life a short time, 2 years in fact.  I was not in her inner circle nor were we great friends but the impact she made on my life was significant. You see she believed in me. I still remember the last conversation I had with her.  I sat in her sunny yellow chairs which were sprinkled with flowers in just the perfect southern tasteful way.  Sun streamed through the open shades.  Her blonde hair was shiny and full in just the perfect southern tasteful way, not like the 1980's or big like Texas southern big.  Her face which was normally happy with me, was a mix of excited for me but also d...

Dear Sweet Girl, I don't even have words.  I know!  Your mom who always talks, does not have words.  I really can not believe you are 11 months old.  I feel like crying.  Your first year is almost over and I am not sure if I snuggled enough of you as a baby.  Did I smell enough baby smell off your head.  Did I savor enough baby innocence?  Did I take enough photos?  I have no idea.  I sure hope I did.  Here is the thing about the first year of life, I spend it so sleep deprived it is just survival and love that I aim for.  I hoped I loved more than I think I did. You, Sweet Girl, are growing and changing so rapidly.  Your Daddy said to me, "I think her personality is already shining through.  She is gonna be 30 next year cuz she is growing so fast."  I totally agree.  Since you started walking at 9 months it feels much like you skipped the baby phase and went right to be a kid.  I love it and...

1.  When Mom says no more TV, getting out the phonics DVD and asking to watch that does not count as TV.  Apparently, Mom has a soft spot for letters and letter sounds. Pics are from the Halloween festival we went to at a local church.  We had a blast. 2.  Putting a cop car under the cable box results in the cable box crashing to the floor and having to spend time in the time out chair. 3.  Declaring "I poop. I poop now."  delays getting out the door by a good 30 minutes. 4.  No matter how cute I look, when I say, "I watch you coop weal cose."  (I watch you scoop really close) then try to get in the litter box while Mom is scooping litter, I will get sent away. 5.  Riding my sister like a horse, results in time out. 6.  Hitting my sister over the head with toy frying pan results in a time out. 6.  Standing in the stroller when we enter the hospital to Daddy's work and then cupping my han...

Dear Kiddos, I swear that after I wrote the last post you two teamed up, escaped out of your rooms during the night, logged on to the internet and read my post.  Out of the kindness of your heart you both filled to the brim and then overflowed the last two days with all the blessings I wrote about in the last post.  I drove to church with you two in the car, trying to hold back tears as I tried to figure out what I could do differently so the days go better.  I have to be honest, I have no idea.   You have done nothing really wrong just being toddlers and infants and needing so, so much of me.  So you are on par developmentally.  Being a mom is really, really exhausting.  As I write this I don't even know just what I want to communicate because I gotta be honest, I still feel a lot exhausted and stressed. Here is what I do know.  Sunday went like this:  Daddy left for work at 6:30 am.  Sweet Girl woke up at 6:45 am. ...

Dear Kiddos, I have always known child abuse exists.  I taught for several years and had to make some tough phone calls reporting parents that suck.  However, until recently I never realized how terribly awful it is.  Recently I had someone share details about a child who was abused.  What I heard will haunt me for weeks.  I hope it haunts me for the rest of my life.  It was awful.  Beyond anything I could imagine.  As I drove home with you guys in the car I cried.  I started to look at my life as a Stay at home mom.  I started to evaluate all the things about my day that drain my energy.  I realized I am so so so blessed.  In so many ways. 1.  I am blessed by the temper tantrums that get thrown.  When you arch your back and drop to the floor in desperation letting out howls of frustration, I am blessed.  For this means you feel safe enough to let your emotions be heard when you don't get your way.  You d...

Dear Sweet Girl, Holy Butt Bongos, you are SIX MONTHS OLD!  I can hardly believe it has been half a year since you were born.  It does not feel that long ago.  However, so much has happened and so much has changed since then.  You lived through your first AZ desert summer.  It was hotter than hot.  Probably hotter for you since you spent all of it in the moby wrap.  You celebrated your brother's 2nd birthday, which you could not have cared less about.  Totally oblivious to it occurring. When I was thinking about writing this I thought, "She could not have changed that much since three months ago."  Boy, was I wrong.  Rolling is now old news.  You roll like crazy.  We unswaddled you much earlier than your brother because you would not stay still when you sleep.  You now sleep in your own room in your own bed.  Your daddy and I find you in the oddest positions.  You roll all over that crib.  You l...

Originally written August 23, 2013 Dear Sweet Girl, I need to apologize. I have been holding a grudge. See you smile, giggle and even laugh for your brother and your daddy. Me I get smiles if I am lucky. I have been a little bitter. I mean I have been your life source for over a year now.  Without me you'd be dead. I am not getting laughs.  My feelings were pretty hurt. Today you even giggled for a stranger. I thought this is it.  This is gonna be the beginning of a wedge between us. Then magic happened.  Tonight you were fussing in your crib, I went in your room in the dark and picked you up. Upon my touch you IMMEDIATELY fell asleep in my hands. I mean out cold, limp arms and legs. And I got it.  I am Momma. I don't entertain you. I am your healer and protector. You have a problem, I fix them everyday, all day. You are hungry, I fix that. You need to be held, I fix that. You are tired, I fix that. You have a dirty dia...

Dear Kiddos, Your Daddy has this phrase that he uses a lot with you guys, "To the confusion of our babies!"  He uses this most often when you guys are crying and we don't know why.  He typically blows in your faces which stops you from crying.  Daddy then shouts, "To the confusion of our babies!"   This leads to my confusion.  If I was crying and someone blew in my face I'd be ticked.  TICKED!  I am already upset I don't need some hot breath adding to the problem.  However, it never seems to make either of you angry.  You just stop crying and are confused.     Most days I feel like you live your life shouting "To the confusion of our Momma".  I can't figure out either one of you.  You both are opinionated and like things the way you like things.  However, I can't figure out why you like things like you like things. Little Man, recently you have decided you love apples.  I think the lov...