Grieving
A week and a half ago, I lost someone dear to my heart. Before she went home to Jesus I had not seen or spoken to her in 5 years, except through facebook. I have to admit I feel very very silly grieving her loss. I mean, if she was that important to me wouldn't I have kept in touch. Made more of an effort to let her know she was loved. She was only in my life a short time, 2 years in fact. I was not in her inner circle nor were we great friends but the impact she made on my life was significant.
You see she believed in me.
I still remember the last conversation I had with her. I sat in her sunny yellow chairs which were sprinkled with flowers in just the perfect southern tasteful way. Sun streamed through the open shades. Her blonde hair was shiny and full in just the perfect southern tasteful way, not like the 1980's or big like Texas southern big. Her face which was normally happy with me, was a mix of excited for me but also disappointed. I sat with tears slowly dripping down my face explaining why I had to disappoint her.
"The only jobs my husband was offered were in nursing homes. I can't let him start a career with his first job in a nursing home. People will die there. He would hate it. He'd do it for me but could you imagine working in a nursing home? I can't let him do that."
"I understand. You have to support your husband. We are gonna miss you very much."
We talked more and my heart hurt. It hurt to leave this woman. I remember handing her a card I wrote her with a shaky hand and tears. It said something to the effect of, but much nicer than this, you have made me mad with your decisions more times than I can count but you were always right. I'm sorry I was a snot. She laughed at me when she read it. She asked me what did I do to make you so mad. All of it, I responded, every new idea you came up with. every new thing you told me to do. When I would tell you I can't do what you asked. You would not hear a word of it. Oh you made me so mad.
She did. So so so mad. I remember crying with my husband about new schemes she had dreamed up and said you are going to do this. In fact I must have cried a lot about her because when she passed my husband said, "Wait? Didn't she annoy you all the time? Why are crying this hard about someone who made you so mad?"
Here is the thing, she believed in me more than I believed in me. She saw something in me, I never saw. She refused to accept my second best, always my best. She was never mean about it, but in her perfect southern way she would let me know I could do better. All while wearing outfits that were fantastic. She had a gift for fashion.
When she passed my facebook feed filled with people writing about her. Words of accolades for the way she loved Jesus, the way she loved people, and for believing in them. From friends to colleagues to the newspaper, they wrote about her. All of the sudden I saw it. She had a gift for people. For believing in them even when they did not believe in them selves. She saw people like Jesus saw them. The way people wrote about her she was the same no matter were she went. I cried as I read the words of tribute. I know she was greeted at the pearly gates with, "Well done my good and faithful servant, you may enter into the joy of you master." A life well lived for Him.
Man, though she ticked me off to no end. Looking back though I can see under her I achieved the most in my teaching career. Under her I took the most risks. Under her more people above me were in my classroom unannounced watching me teach. Under her I accomplished most of the things I am proud of in my career. Which in turn made my students soar. (Don't get me wrong, I also got the most gray hairs while working under her.)
As I look back on her life it sunk in the amazing power there is in believing the best of some one. Not letting that person accept less than their best. Even though it feels really crappy when you are muddling through to achieve, that feeling when you fly, priceless.
When I left her office that day those sunny yellow chairs, which held me many times as I sat frustrated in her office, stayed behind. Waiting for the next soul she was going to believe in. She followed me to the door. Sent me on my way with a deep warm hug and the words,
"I love you. I'm gonna miss you. Don't forget you have a gift. Hey, now you can have babies. No maternity leave needed."
I laughed at the idea. Me with babies soon. No way. 5 months later I was pregnant with Westyn.
You see she believed in me.
I still remember the last conversation I had with her. I sat in her sunny yellow chairs which were sprinkled with flowers in just the perfect southern tasteful way. Sun streamed through the open shades. Her blonde hair was shiny and full in just the perfect southern tasteful way, not like the 1980's or big like Texas southern big. Her face which was normally happy with me, was a mix of excited for me but also disappointed. I sat with tears slowly dripping down my face explaining why I had to disappoint her.
"The only jobs my husband was offered were in nursing homes. I can't let him start a career with his first job in a nursing home. People will die there. He would hate it. He'd do it for me but could you imagine working in a nursing home? I can't let him do that."
"I understand. You have to support your husband. We are gonna miss you very much."
We talked more and my heart hurt. It hurt to leave this woman. I remember handing her a card I wrote her with a shaky hand and tears. It said something to the effect of, but much nicer than this, you have made me mad with your decisions more times than I can count but you were always right. I'm sorry I was a snot. She laughed at me when she read it. She asked me what did I do to make you so mad. All of it, I responded, every new idea you came up with. every new thing you told me to do. When I would tell you I can't do what you asked. You would not hear a word of it. Oh you made me so mad.
She did. So so so mad. I remember crying with my husband about new schemes she had dreamed up and said you are going to do this. In fact I must have cried a lot about her because when she passed my husband said, "Wait? Didn't she annoy you all the time? Why are crying this hard about someone who made you so mad?"
Here is the thing, she believed in me more than I believed in me. She saw something in me, I never saw. She refused to accept my second best, always my best. She was never mean about it, but in her perfect southern way she would let me know I could do better. All while wearing outfits that were fantastic. She had a gift for fashion.
When she passed my facebook feed filled with people writing about her. Words of accolades for the way she loved Jesus, the way she loved people, and for believing in them. From friends to colleagues to the newspaper, they wrote about her. All of the sudden I saw it. She had a gift for people. For believing in them even when they did not believe in them selves. She saw people like Jesus saw them. The way people wrote about her she was the same no matter were she went. I cried as I read the words of tribute. I know she was greeted at the pearly gates with, "Well done my good and faithful servant, you may enter into the joy of you master." A life well lived for Him.
Man, though she ticked me off to no end. Looking back though I can see under her I achieved the most in my teaching career. Under her I took the most risks. Under her more people above me were in my classroom unannounced watching me teach. Under her I accomplished most of the things I am proud of in my career. Which in turn made my students soar. (Don't get me wrong, I also got the most gray hairs while working under her.)
As I look back on her life it sunk in the amazing power there is in believing the best of some one. Not letting that person accept less than their best. Even though it feels really crappy when you are muddling through to achieve, that feeling when you fly, priceless.
When I left her office that day those sunny yellow chairs, which held me many times as I sat frustrated in her office, stayed behind. Waiting for the next soul she was going to believe in. She followed me to the door. Sent me on my way with a deep warm hug and the words,
"I love you. I'm gonna miss you. Don't forget you have a gift. Hey, now you can have babies. No maternity leave needed."
I laughed at the idea. Me with babies soon. No way. 5 months later I was pregnant with Westyn.
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