Life Changes

It may seem like I am very good at being real.  So much of what I think comes out of my mouth.  I'm pretty raw, unfiltered and unedited, for good or for bad.  But the thing is I really, really like control.  I like my weeks planned out, my days planned out, my meals planned out and I don't like sudden changes of plans.  Then God gave me kids.  I also really like for people to see the side of me I want them to see.  Not the mess.  Then God gave me kids. When Laura called this morning to tell me Jordyn had a fever, my first instinct was to cancel.  It is too cold to be outside, we have no where to go.  Game over.  I love having people in my home, but when Laura called my entire house looked like this.   (It was hoe down day for the toys) Little toys were everywhere.  Choking hazards for crawlers, death traps for new walkers, safe for preschoolers but not for younger kids.  Everything in me screamed, "Cancel!  You don't want people to see this mess!  Cancel!"

A week and a half ago, I lost someone dear to my heart.  Before she went home to Jesus I had not seen or spoken to her in 5 years, except through facebook. I have to admit I feel very very silly grieving her loss.  I mean, if she was that important to me wouldn't I have kept in touch.  Made more of an effort to let her know she was loved.  She was only in my life a short time, 2 years in fact.  I was not in her inner circle nor were we great friends but the impact she made on my life was significant. You see she believed in me. I still remember the last conversation I had with her.  I sat in her sunny yellow chairs which were sprinkled with flowers in just the perfect southern tasteful way.  Sun streamed through the open shades.  Her blonde hair was shiny and full in just the perfect southern tasteful way, not like the 1980's or big like Texas southern big.  Her face which was normally happy with me, was a mix of excited for me but also disappointed.  I sat with tears slowl

Dear Sweet Girl, I don't even have words.  I know!  Your mom who always talks, does not have words.  I really can not believe you are 11 months old.  I feel like crying.  Your first year is almost over and I am not sure if I snuggled enough of you as a baby.  Did I smell enough baby smell off your head.  Did I savor enough baby innocence?  Did I take enough photos?  I have no idea.  I sure hope I did.  Here is the thing about the first year of life, I spend it so sleep deprived it is just survival and love that I aim for.  I hoped I loved more than I think I did. You, Sweet Girl, are growing and changing so rapidly.  Your Daddy said to me, "I think her personality is already shining through.  She is gonna be 30 next year cuz she is growing so fast."  I totally agree.  Since you started walking at 9 months it feels much like you skipped the baby phase and went right to be a kid.  I love it and hate it. We call you Spiced Latte, because you add so much spi

1.  When Mom says no more TV, getting out the phonics DVD and asking to watch that does not count as TV.  Apparently, Mom has a soft spot for letters and letter sounds. Pics are from the Halloween festival we went to at a local church.  We had a blast. 2.  Putting a cop car under the cable box results in the cable box crashing to the floor and having to spend time in the time out chair. 3.  Declaring "I poop. I poop now."  delays getting out the door by a good 30 minutes. 4.  No matter how cute I look, when I say, "I watch you coop weal cose."  (I watch you scoop really close) then try to get in the litter box while Mom is scooping litter, I will get sent away. 5.  Riding my sister like a horse, results in time out. 6.  Hitting my sister over the head with toy frying pan results in a time out. 6.  Standing in the stroller when we enter the hospital to Daddy's work and then cupping my hands around my mouth like a blow

Dear Kiddos, I swear that after I wrote the last post you two teamed up, escaped out of your rooms during the night, logged on to the internet and read my post.  Out of the kindness of your heart you both filled to the brim and then overflowed the last two days with all the blessings I wrote about in the last post.  I drove to church with you two in the car, trying to hold back tears as I tried to figure out what I could do differently so the days go better.  I have to be honest, I have no idea.   You have done nothing really wrong just being toddlers and infants and needing so, so much of me.  So you are on par developmentally.  Being a mom is really, really exhausting.  As I write this I don't even know just what I want to communicate because I gotta be honest, I still feel a lot exhausted and stressed. Here is what I do know.  Sunday went like this:  Daddy left for work at 6:30 am.  Sweet Girl woke up at 6:45 am.  Little Man woke up at 6:48 am.  Both ready to

Dear Kiddos, I have always known child abuse exists.  I taught for several years and had to make some tough phone calls reporting parents that suck.  However, until recently I never realized how terribly awful it is.  Recently I had someone share details about a child who was abused.  What I heard will haunt me for weeks.  I hope it haunts me for the rest of my life.  It was awful.  Beyond anything I could imagine.  As I drove home with you guys in the car I cried.  I started to look at my life as a Stay at home mom.  I started to evaluate all the things about my day that drain my energy.  I realized I am so so so blessed.  In so many ways. 1.  I am blessed by the temper tantrums that get thrown.  When you arch your back and drop to the floor in desperation letting out howls of frustration, I am blessed.  For this means you feel safe enough to let your emotions be heard when you don't get your way.  You don't worry that you are going to get beat because you express yourself,